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Sep 27, 2012

  1. When you have a flask, every hour is happy hour.
  2. Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
  3. Never drink water – if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
  4. It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is. It’s always room-temperature.
  5. Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
  6. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  7. Always borrow money from a pessimist.A  He won’t expect it back.
  8. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
  9. Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
  10. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
  11. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  12. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  13. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  14. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
  15. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
  16. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you–Chinese Proverb
  17. You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
  18. Strangers have the best candy.
  19. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
  20. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  21. When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
  22. Keep smiling – it makes everyone wonder what you’re up to.
  23. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel…just hope it’s NOT a train!
  24. If it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
  25. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
  26. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
  27. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
  28. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.
  29. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
  30. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
  31. Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
  32. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
  33. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
  34. There’s nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
  35. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
  36. Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
  37. I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
  38. Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
  39. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
  40. We are the people our parents warned us about.
  41. Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.
  42. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  43. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  44. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  45. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  46. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
  47. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  48. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  49. When in doubt, mumble.
  50. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  51. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  52. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  53. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  54. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  55. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

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